How to Get Rid of Garden Slugs (or "Who Says Murder Is a Bad Thing?")

My son always liked to go hunting during deer season, and would sometimes come back with a big 6-point buck or whatever they are called. I never could understand it and I still don't understand about killing deer. My son would always tell me that if hunters didn't kill deer, we would be overrun with them and they would all run out in the middle of the road and cause accidents. Still, a deer is a pretty cute creature, and don't all living things have value in the balance of nature? I can now answer that question with a resounding "NO"!!!

As a matter of fact, I have just put on my boots, cap, blue jeans and gloves and I am on a mission to kill something. And, yes, it will be pre-meditated. I have planned this out and expect to get away with it and never even lose a wink of sleep. I am going outside to hunt down and kill every nasty, toeless, fingerless, creepy, crawly slug I can track down. Step 1 in this pre-meditated murder is to hunt these slimy little things down. You can go outside and brush away some leaves off the ground and there they will be...having a leaf snack before they move on to your flowers. You don't have to be in a hurry; he's not going to outrun you. Leave no stone unturned because these slimy little creeps can make themselves look like a rock if they want. Don't fall for it. Hunt them down...all of them. Every time you find one, use your tweezers to pick him up and drop him in a two-liter bottle of water (or bleach) (or acid), so he will drown. You MUST put the lid back on the bottle because this little creep will come right back out to ruin your garden again if you don't make sure he is DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!!! Now, what exactly is the "balance of nature" value of a slug? There isn't one. They live merely to make our lives miserable by eating our leaves and plants, then leaving nasty, ugly, slimy little trails behind to flaunt their existence. As you are dropping him into the bottle, pinch him a few times so that he will recognize your superiority. Then, say the following poem I have written just for the occasion:

Who's gonna cry when I kill this slug?
No one will admit they like this bug.
I will drop him in this bottle, then look for another.
If he's lucky, he'll get to drown with his brother.

Now, you've hunted them down, murdered them, recited the slug poem, so what's left to do? I would go take a nap and fall asleep knowing you have made the world a better place. You will sleep like a baby.